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Monday, April 27, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 11:27 PM | 0 Noticed Me

I Loved you then, i love you now, and ill love you tomorrow. but, i now know of whats going on. And ive resoluted, to let you go. im hurting myself more thinking of you aren't i? and knowing this, shocked the heck out of me.

take care my dear. may you be happy.

Thursday, April 23, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 11:15 PM | 0 Noticed Me

I woke up today, with a stuttered heart, knowing that ill be facing him. I didnt know what to expect. Really. I assumed that it would be akward, silent and heart breaking.

I stepped in, and there he was, by the door. I ignored him, feeling like as if my legs have turned into jelly, and i had to hold on to Citi to stabilize myself. I tried to act normal, but i could hear my laughter and my voice was shakey. I tried to cover up my shaking, by laughing as much as i can, and smiling.

I don't know if what i felt and saw was true. But i wish that it wasn't. Cos it onli hurts me more thinking about it. I know you too well. You had a choice. But you chose the longer way. I was shocked. I thought i was just paranoid and feeling the akwardness getting into me. Bu maybe what i felt was true after all.. But dont. I beg you. Dont do this to me. I dont think i could go through with it again.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 11:13 PM | 0 Noticed Me

Im starting to let go..bit by bit..i can feel that..i think i noe why..Since i met AK. Though he's not that good looking, and his sense of humour is abit off, hahaha...but..im comfortable with him. I feel obligated to hold on to my love for you. but i can feel it slipping away, since the love is onli one sided.. I dont know wat to feel. AK is a very nice guy, but i know, from my memories with you, i shouldnt feel this way towards him. Hmmm....What should i do... i want to get over you. but i can do that onli if i get distracted. and AK is here. But i know i cannot cont feeling this way. Becos it would somehow turn ot the same way.

Oh God, please, let my heart rest. Let it stitch back the tiny fragments of whatever that was thorn apart. I beg you. dont test me again. i dnt think i can take it. I dont think i have the strength to go through that kind of test again. Let me be.

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Saturday, April 18, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 7:09 PM | 0 Noticed Me

Ive just realized. She wont be in the same school as us anymore. I know. what im thinking iis very wrong, and selfish. But i cant help but be happy with this train of thoughts. She wont be there all the time. Period. ..

But i do wish that he is happy. And would be happy in the future.
Sorry for my selfish thoughts..

Thursday, April 16, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 10:36 PM | 0 Noticed Me

Im happy. At least for now, that im distracted. School is once more a place for me to let my mind wander away..hahhaha...day dreaming lah tu...i missed my mates...Zwan, Aiiiniiiii, Shasha, Devi, Rajes Aka...hmmm.....but my new classmates rocks too! hahhaha...had sooo much fun...These past few days, it feels like we've knwn each other since like whenever.. theres onli like 30 of us, plus 1 today...so...its 31..and theres onli 1 class!

hmmmm..... :) happy.




I saw him today. It caused my heart to jump, died, and restarted again. I wanna see you smile when you see me. But, you looked away instead. I really do miss you love.

Monday, April 06, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 1:08 AM | 0 Noticed Me

What is wrong with me?
I keep having this feeling.
What have you done to me?

I look at her face, smiling, i looked for your face, and there, you were where i expected you to be.
Beside her.


Shit.


This is not doing me any good. I just hope. i really hope, that i wouldnt do anything that i dnt wish to do.

i want to get over it. i do. really. and theres no space for buts. I have to put an effort eh. But let me have my time k.


I sound like a bloody psychopath. Ranting on her own, having dilusions.

I only wish that i wouldnt feel this ache in my heart. It feels as if its been squeezed so tightly, that i couldnt breathe.



Let me breathe again.
Let me get over it.
Let me have the chance to look at his face, and not feel panicky, not feel the sudden rush of emotions, not feel the sudden need to just sit down and cry, not feel like i would just break into pieces, not feel like as if my legs juat cant hold on anymore, and i would fall, not feel like my heart had been squeezed till it punctures, not feel the sudden need to hug him.

Repair my shattered heart. Thats all i ask.

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Friday, April 03, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 7:28 AM | 0 Noticed Me

I went to the Interact BBQ at National Service Resort and country club yesterday. it was fun..hahha.i had fun at the very least..it wasnt as vibrant as it was supposed to be, but i got to spend my time with the people i cared for.

Amongst those who went, were Vin and Matt; the organizers, Kavind, Prema, Farhan, Ramlan, Pat, Joey, Zul, Aidil, Zizzah, Wahidah, Rash, Maurice, Citran; whose wife is expecting a baby boy :) hehe, Dayah, Mel, Faizan, Nad, Yogi, and the lecturers. Sorry if i have missed out any names:)

We had the bbq started at arnd 6.30, or 7. Should have started erliear, to let tho charcoal burn..haha..but well, they didnt think of it.. Then, as the night goes on, i had fun bbq-ing satay, chicken wings, hotdogs, otak2, and crabsticks..haha..
then, after the lecturers have left, all have eaten their fill, we went inside and had the dance floor opened..Oh, i forgot to mention, Maurice wore a black V necked dress for the party..hahhaha..should have taken a pic eh..
They started dancing, and i had fun laughing away. I couldnt imagine myself dancing. I have NO idea how to dance...hahhaha...how im gonna miss u guys sia, now that ive graduated from ITE Simei...

We left at around 10.15, to catch the last shuttle bus that goes back to tanah merah. When we alighted at tanah merah, it turned out that Nad left her Hp on the bus! omg..then we had to call vin, to ask for his help to get it back wen the bus goes back into the CountryClub.
luckily she remembered before she got home. if not, gone case. haha...


I saw you, and i couldnt bring myself to look at you. It hurt so much to look at that face, knowing i had spent part of my life being with him. I couldnt breath right, and my heart couldnt stop jumping like its gonna leap out of my chest. I felt like doing something so stupid, so bitchy, so slutty, but i couldnt bring myself to do it. Ive missed you so much, and i yearn for ur touch, ur smile, ur lingering look,ur hugs, ur kisses, the way you would whisper in my ears cos you know of wat it would do to me. i saw you, and the world stopped for a moment. I couldnt bear to be in the same room as you. It just hurts so much. i saw you, and how i felt till yesterday all disappeared. I felt the longing soo badly.
and i saw her. iknow she has done no wrong, but i just felt this weird feeling. Im sorry for feeling this way, but thats how i feel.its like the green monster is reappearing. im sorry, its not your fault, its mine. im still hangin on to wat is not there anymore.
take care was the last thing i told him. and i mean it too.

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Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Milk Drunk posted at 8:48 PM | 0 Noticed Me

I know i shouldnt be feeling this way..i know very damn well that its supposed to be over..but i cant! urrghh....im sori to those whos gonna read this, or is reading, but im going full blast..haha...

FUCK! i tell ya! uurrgghhh! i dont know why, but onli now, after almost 1 and a half months later, im feeling soooo agitated and so restless....I WANNA SAY FUCK WITH UR SWEET WORDS AND YOUR LOVE.. FUUUCK! urrgghhhhh! shitshitshit! i hate u! i hate your blardy guts! i hate you to the core! aaaaaaaarrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

i hate you i hate you i hate you.

i hate you for doing wat you did. i hate you for making me feel so miserable.i hate you for making me feel miserable even wen we were together.i hate how you could dismiss my words like im no one.i hate you for not talking to me. i hate you for making me feel like im lower than her. i hate you for making me feel so hateful towards you. i hate you for your desicions, though i had to respect it. i hate you for not thinking of me. i hate you for not considering my feelings. i hate you for choosing her over me, though, i know, i know so very well, that you are going to say that theres nothing gg on with the two of you. im not blaming her. but from wat i observe, observe's the word k, not stalking, shes soo into her bf, and ur soo into her. i dont get you..i soo dont get you.

we were doing so fine, then one day, i broke down from the pressure that was building up, between us and due to ur lack of observation. You couldnt take it could you? you left me just like that. I felt so used. I felt so wasted, so left out. Im blaming it all on you now, cos this is wat i feel, how i have felt all this while. i may have pushed you to the brink with me wanting ur attention, but that wasnt so wrong was it? i just wanted you to call me once. just once. at least a text msg. but there was none. i always worried abt you. i did on that day. i just hope you know. i felt so left out. so abandoned. after that night, you were never the same.

I may sound like an overprotective bitch. a bloody slut of a girlfriend whos so protective of her bf nt gg out wit friends and all.. but if you noe the whole story, if you know how he had been to me, you would feel the same. ive never called to ask where is he, what is he doing, and whos he with. but he never cared. wen he's with her, he'll just forget. forget that im here still. forget that im waiting. Friends first eh...yeah..but not to the extend of just forgetting me totally. just one tiny lil msg saying that ur ok, but i waited like a bitch waiting for a bone to chew on. in vain i would say

.


FUCK i tell you. ive never acted out of line. Ive always tried my best to fullfill everythig u asked for. but u just got over me so easily eh.. dont say you had a very difficult time. i just wont believe that shit u wld give me. im still finding it so difficult to let go for ur info.

i look at your picture and i would think.why? i had gave up before you came along. then, you gave me hope. but you really crushed me. you stepped on me and squished me like the ciggs butts that u smoke. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! i went against soo many of the principles, and laws that ive set up in my life. just for you. really, you... You broke my bloody damned heart into so many tiny shattered pieces that used to be just broken. Im just so tired now. Ive got a phobia. And its cos of u. U shattered my heart, and it caused me so much pain, that i cant face certain simple things in life. I cant bear to watch those who are so in love. I cant bear to watch movies that i used to love so much, cos it reminds me of u.. i sound so pathetic, but thats wat it came down to...

But i thank you. thank you so much for teaching me what i never used to know. I may hate you...but i love you..i loved you, and i still love you, thats why it hurts. it hurts so very badly. i felt so hurt then, but i still had hope. then, that incident happened. I felt more hurt. i tried to make it better. you just let go. i fell deeper into the well of despair. then, you let me loose. you totally dumped me. and after that, you just broke the most fragile thing i had left, which was alredy damaged.

I just hope that whoever that is meant to be by ur side, would take good care of you. understand wat i could not understand. reach to places where i did not get to. dont do to her wat you did to me please. i beg you. talk to her for god's sake! tell her how you feel.let her know wat you are thinking. let her explore you like how its meant to be. i regretted not trying harder.but its too late. you built a stone wall around yourself, especially against me.

take care my love. you'll always be my JJ.

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